


하늘 Ha-neul

by yotsubanoclover



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: After Ending, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Parent(s), Marriage, Memories, Protective 707 | Choi Luciel, Protective Ray, Psychological Trauma, Ray route, Sad Ending, Sad with a Happy Ending, Saeran Choi - Freeform, Saeyoung Choi - Freeform, Trauma, Unknown | Ray (Mystic Messenger) Route Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 11:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17559329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yotsubanoclover/pseuds/yotsubanoclover
Summary: “Let’s name her Ha-neul, so that despite the rainfalls and dull colors of the seasons – despite all the hardships that she faces – she will get up again and again, just as the sky will regain its bright blue color when spring comes.”[Love for All Seasons - 2019 Mystic Messenger Charity Calendar]





	하늘 Ha-neul

**Author's Note:**

> My work for Love for All Seasons - 2019 Mystic Messenger Charity Calendar! Finally I can publish it :)  
> It's a wonderful honor to work on such an amazing project with crazy talented people! :) Enjoy!
> 
> By the way, Dahianartist did a lovely illustration for this! https://twitter.com/dahianartist/status/1088159817775177730 Check out her works too :)

_Pain._

_He thought it would be excruciating. Yet it was still._

_He thought it would come rumbling all at once. Yet it was quiet._

_Like that noise you’d hear inside your ears when there is no other sound around you._

_Like a scream that wouldn’t come out._

_It was but a long straight line that he saw on the monitor. Which rang on his ears undisturbed, leaving the rest of the world muted. The rest of the world blurred, as it alone became clearer. Like a camera, his vision and hearing focused on that line and its distinctive ring._

_Slow and quiet…_

_Yet it was killing him all the same._  

* * *

 

Nothing felt unusual that day.

Saeran remembered spending the morning like usual: waking up early, preparing MC’s breakfast, and tending to the garden. Nothing was wrong with his wife, either. She was weak and couldn’t leave the bed, but her face showed more color than any other day, and she could finish her meals without throwing them out again. It was nothing unusual, as she didn’t have an easy pregnancy to begin with.

The only thing that disrupted what would have been their normal routine was MC’s water breaking, just before lunch. He didn’t catch her off guard, as he stayed with her all the time, and Saeyoung was there, too. Together, the two of them brought her to the hospital, and the doctors attended to her immediately. Aside from that, everything was as normal as it could be; no bad feelings or premonition. Nothing.

_Oh…_ one thing did come to mind. It was right before MC entered the delivery room.

Saeran was holding her hand, smiling. “Just a little more, and we’ll meet her. Then, the three of us will be together, okay?”

She didn’t meet his eyes at first; instead, she gave his hand a little squeeze and nodded.

“I’ll be right out here,” Saeran promised her.

She then looked at him in the eyes and smiled. Thinking back, he should’ve felt it right then; he should’ve noticed the signs, and seen that something was off with his wife. He shouldn’t have just watched her being dragged away.

_Because she didn’t promise she’ll come back._

And she really didn’t.

Saeran still remembered that day like it was just yesterday. He remembered… the way MC smiled at him as he entered the room. He remembered the tears in her eyes, and the little angel in her arms. He remembered seeing the baby’s little hand curled around her mother’s finger, whose stifled sobs were barely heard, over what both Saeran and MC perceived as a serenading aria. Rushing to MC’s side, he laced his fingers with hers.

“Hold her,” MC told him.

The little angel was warm in his arms. Watching her filled his heart with joy, and he felt at peace. How could he describe this feeling? Her little round eyes reminded him of the first blue sky he saw with Saeyoung… of the ice cream he ate that day… of the first flower he grew by himself… and…

He looked over to his wife, the tears blurring his sight.

_…of the day he first met the love of his life._

“Ha-neul…” he murmured the little angel’s name – the sky. “ _Our daughter._ ” Carefully, he placed Ha-neul next to her mother on the bed as he moved closer to embrace them both. He gave MC’s forehead a gentle kiss. “Thank you, MC… I love you.”

But as the baby continued to wail, each cry her breathing, her heartbeat, her _consciousness_ , Saeran failed to notice as something else, in return, continued to drift away. Like an evaporating puddle of water, or a withering flower, she was slowly taken away, the signs only evident as the strength took off from her body.

MC’s hand touched his cheek, which made him turn to her. “I… love you… too…” As she whispered his name, her hand fell onto the bed. “ _…Saeran._ ”

Before he could grasp what was going on, the doctor and nurses rushed to MC’s side, blocking her from his view. The baby next to her was suddenly taken away. He didn’t even notice when Saeyoung and the rest of RFA came into the room, and he didn’t remember voluntarily leaving it either, as the nurses sent them away. He could see Jaehee covering her face with both hands, Yoosung falling to his knees, Zen wiping his eyes messily with the back of his hand, and Jumin standing still, his dark grey eyes empty. Everyone was crying, grieving, yet he heard nothing. He couldn’t even be sure whether he was really screaming, Saeyoung tense by his side. Everything was suddenly silent.

Except for the long beeping sound, which continued to ring in his ears.

* * *

 

Saeyoung hesitates in front of the door to Saeran and MC’s shared bedroom. _Should I leave him alone, after all?_

Before he could make up his mind, Saeran opens the door, startled. “ _Hyung_. You surprised me. What’s wrong?”

Saeyoung scratches the back of his neck. “Saeran… are you… okay? I-I mean, if you need anything—”

“I’m fine.” Saeran replies. “I just needed some water.” It didn’t take long before Saeran comes back with a glass of water. With his other hand holding the doorknob, he turns to his brother and smiles. “Good night, _Hyung_.” The door closes.

“Good night… Saeran.”

Saeran seems fine… he even flashed a smile. So then, why can’t he feel relieved? Why does Saeyoung’s chest feel tight at the sight of his younger brother?

_I must be exhausted myself_ , he decides. _Saeran’s grown stronger than ever since meeting MC… he’ll be fine; I saw myself that he’s fine. This feeling… whatever this is, will disappear in a few days, I’m sure._

But even after a month, his chest still aches every time he sees Saeran. The younger twin still wakes up very early every morning, though his routine has changed. Now, instead of MC, he has to take care of Ha-neul, which he does very brilliantly. Saeyoung never stops offering his help, but it doesn’t seem like Saeran needs any to begin with. He prepares her milk, changes her diapers, and calms her down every time she cries, all by himself. He is so patient with the baby – always smiling, always so positive – that no one would guess he just lost the love of his life.

Which is exactly what doesn’t sit well with Saeyoung. When he’s finally had enough, he approaches Saeran, putting his arms around him without a word.

“ _Hyung_?”

“Saeran… you’ve done so well.”

“What do you mean?” Saeran tries to pull out of the hug, but Saeyoung tightens his grip. “I need to change Ha-neul’s diaper—”

“Listen to me.” His voice is firm, non-negotiable, yet very calm. “You’ve done well this past month… so stop holding it in. There’s only me here – no one else will see. Not even Ha-neul. You can let it out, Saeran.”

Saeran struggles out of the hug, pushing his brother away. “You’re talking nonsense.”

“Yeah? Then look at me.”

Those mint-colored eyes do not return his gaze.

“Look at me in the eyes and say it again, Saeran.”

The voice responding is barely a whisper. “ _Why are you doing this_?”

“Because I care about you, Saeran.”

“Stop it.”

“You’re not alone; I’m here for you… and Ha-neul.”

Saeran grabs Saeyoung’s hoodie, pulling it with force. “ _Stop it_!”

Saeyoung holds his ground. “I know you’re trying to be strong for Ha-neul, and maybe even for me. And I’m not doing this to tell you otherwise – you are strong, Saeran, very much so. I’ve seen that for myself for a whole month. I’m doing this… to tell you that you can rely on me – I am here for you, and whether you like it or not, so are the other RFA members. You are not alone, and I will never let you be alone.”

“Didn’t I tell you…” Saeyoung’s back hits the door with a loud thud as Saeran pushes him. “...to stop?”

Yet Saeyoung’s golden irises stay on him, unshaken. _Yes… that’s it. That’s what I want to see._ “So… I’m doing this to tell you that… being strong doesn’t mean you have to smile and be positive all the time. It doesn’t mean that you cannot stop to rest your wings.”

The hands holding his collar are trembling. “ _You can cry, Saeran._ ” Saeyoung whispers. “I’ll be here… I’ll always be here.”

Saeran was about to say something back, but the tears he’s been holding choked on whatever he was planning to say. As he starts to cry, he could feel the wall he’s been building for the past month comes crumbling down. With it goes away the strength on his knees and he falls to the hard floor, bringing Saeyoung with him. He sobs into his brother’s chest, hands clutching at his jacket. As if he is protecting his very self from tearing apart, gripping at life itself. The pain he thought he had grown numb to, comes surging in waves, growing stronger with each fallen tears; more agonizing with each passing minute.

He cries for the sleepless nights, for the nightmare haunting him if he dozed off for mere minutes. He cries for the darkness creeping in at the very corner of his heart, threatening to engulf what little light he has left without her. He cries for each day he spends without her, for each smile that wasn’t for her, for any moment of happiness they can no longer share…

_…for he has lost the person he loves more than life itself._

It was her voice which opened his eyes to the light. Her touch which brought him back to his senses. Her love which made him believe he could start again.

But now, when he finds himself once again at the brink of falling into darkness after losing her, that role becomes Saeyoung’s… and Ha-neul’s.

“Thank… you, _Hyung_ ,” he whispers to his brother between his sobs. “ _Thank you… so much._ ”

The twins stay like that for a while, until Ha-neul’s soft wail from inside the room surprises them both. Saeyoung offers to take her instead. “It’s okay,” he tells Saeran with a smile. “Wait for us in the garden. I’ll be over there before you know it.”

Despite what Saeyoung said, Saeran takes his time as he takes the short walk to the back of the house, which leads to the garden. Only then does he realize that he hasn’t been taking care of the garden since MC’s passing. He stops short by the door, preparing himself to see the flowers dying and overgrown by weeds.

“What are you doing?” Saeyoung pats his back once as he walks past, Ha-neul in his arms. “Come out and see!”

Instead of dying flowers and weeds growing everywhere, Saeran enters the garden to find the flowers as healthy as ever, in full bloom. If he looks more closely, he can easily make out the droplets of water on each flower. _But… how is this possible?_

“Didn’t I tell you,” Saeyoung pokes his niece’s cheeks as he says so, making her chuckle. “that you’re not alone?”

_He sure did…_

Saeran lets out a long sigh. It feels funny, standing here like this, staring at the flowers. For a month, and even until few minutes ago, he thought the world had lost its colors. Yet, from where he is now, he could see staffs of light streaming from the cloudless blue sky, bathing each and every flower with sunlight, their colors growing more vibrant at the touch. The green grass seems to glow albeit faintly, littered with dandelions and scattered flower petals, like fallen snow. He can feel the gentle spring breeze stroking his face, blowing his worries away. The birds are chirping, the sound music to his ears, and the air smells sweet.

_As it was back then._

Much like today, the flowers in the garden were in full bloom when her white dress swept over the green grass as she walked. She had a transparent veil draped over her head – yet the beauty underneath was not at all hidden. If anything, her radiance was like the sun each and every flower searched for, visible even before she looked up and smiled, a soft tint of red flushing her cheeks.

 Instead of just him and Saeyoung, a small crowd gathered around the aisle, celebrating the two lovers’ promise of happiness. Yet his eyes focused on her, and only her.

“ _You look so beautiful,_ ” he remembers telling her with his eyes, “ _Hurry by my side, my love._ ”

He even heard her reply, hidden beneath her small smile. “ _I am coming, Saeran_.”

Much like today, flower petals were falling like snow when Saeran and MC finally stood next to each other, their fingers intertwined. It was also during the tender warmth of spring when they exchanged their rings, and vowed forever.

The memory, although pleasant, brings a pang to his chest. Gripping at his chest in an effort to ease the pain, he finds himself looking at Ha-neul, who’s also looking at him with her bright brown eyes. It was as if MC were the one who’s staring back at him. As the little angel returns into his arms, enveloping his body with her warmth, Saeran realizes once again that Saeyoung was right.

_He’s not alone and will never be..._ As he thinks so, his eyes catch the daffodils and lily of the valleys blooming nearby, fluttering with the breeze, which makes him smile.

Yet, as the months roll by and the days grow warmer and longer, it doesn’t get any easier for him. Despite his newfound strength, every time he closes his eyes, he will always find himself back in her hospital room. Back to the day she left. The walls are the same dull grey, and the air feels stale, reeking with the smell of death. There’s no mistaking the very room where MC spent her last moment, lying on the same bed as she did back then.

Except this time, Saeran could do nothing else but watch, witnessing helplessly as her soul drifts away, as if getting sucked into the air. He will do anything, _anything_ , to have her in his embrace again, protecting her, as he screams her name, to no avail. It is as if someone nails his feet where he stands; he cannot move, speak, nor look away. All he can do is watch as the colors drain from her cheeks, her eyes quivering to a close, and her cold fingers falling into the mattress.

* * *

_Why… did I even come here?_ He wonders to himself as he lies awake, his pajamas wet and disheveled, his cheeks sticky from tears. It was a good decision leaving Ha-neul with Saeyoung tonight. His episodes still wake her up some nights in his own bed room, let alone in a new place like tonight. As he stares at the ceilings, doubting he could sleep again, he reminds himself why he agreed to join RFA’s summer vacation.

_Right… it will be Ha-neul’s first time seeing the beach…_ A small smile forms on his lips. _I hope… I didn’t make the wrong decision._

And he really didn’t. Saeran cannot remember the last time he was smiling and laughing so much. He can tell everyone is walking on eggshells around him, but they know what he needs. They know he needs to get his mind off _it_ …

...even though it’s just for a little while.

However, now, left alone with Ha-neul in his arms, he doesn’t have much choice. Not with the feeling of sand sticking on his toes… of the occasional little splashes of water… of the sound of the waves and people cheering from far away… of the vibrant color of summer sunset.

_Because they are so much like that day._

 

 

_“MC? What is it?”_

_“Hold my ice cream for me, Saeran,” MC was smiling as she handed him her chocolate ice cream cone, which started melting on his fingers as soon as he received it. Despite Saeran’s questions, his wife kept her silence until she produced a small stick from inside her purse – on it was two stripes of line._

_It was a while until Saeran finally found his voice again. “S-since when?”_

_“I’ve been late for a while,” she blushed; there was no mistaking the tears in her eyes. Yet her smile never faltered. “so I checked a few days after we got here. I probably should’ve told you sooner, but I wanted to be sure–”_

_MC never got to finish; Saeran swept her off the sand, bringing her lips to his. He could taste her tears, and she could his, but neither of them minded._

 

 

As the memory cracks open the hole in his chest, he notices Ha-neul looking up at him with curiosity, a teardrop falling on her cheek. It takes Saeran a moment to realize that he is crying.

“I’m sorry, angel,” he tells her, although she won’t understand anyway, forcing a smile. “I was just remembering about Mommy.”

To his surprise, Ha-neul reaches out to touch his cheek, as if she is calming him down. Saeran, suddenly at lost for words, holds her closer in response.

* * *

 

Yet, just like the waves, rising and falling… what rises may fall. Just like the withering and dying leaves littering the ground… what blooms may wither. One night, Saeran wakes with a jump, drenched in sweat and tears, despite the chilly weather. Echoing in his ears is the sound of MC’s heart monitor – the sound from the long, straight line he saw inside the dream. He’s only been asleep for a few minutes after singing his daughter to sleep, only to find himself back in MC’s hospital room, to the day she was taken away from his grasp.

It takes him a moment to realize that Ha-neul’s started crying too. But he cannot even hold her; he’s shaking too much that he’s scared he might drop the wailing baby if he tries to do so.

_You couldn’t save her…_ It is _that voice_ again. _You let her die…_ His own voice. After all this time.

Both hands clasped on his ears doesn’t stop it. _You let her die, while you lived._

“No… no… no…” His pleas grow louder. “ _Make it stop!_ ”

The door bursts open, someone rushing into the room. That person is calling his name over and over. Saeran can feel that person’s hands around his body, sheltering him. Stopping it from shaking. Keeping his pieces together.

Only one person is capable of doing this. “MC…?” Saeran calls out, his raspy voice barely a whisper. “Is that… you?”

“Shh… you’re fine, Saeran. You’re going to be fine.” It really is her voice… is he dreaming? 

 

 

_“Saeran… can you hear me? You’re fine… you’re fine…” Without letting him go, MC started stroking his back. “It was only a dream. I’m right here with you.”_

_Her voice brought him back to the reality of their room. “MC…?”_

_"That’s right… I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” she assured him over and over. “Take a deep breath… that’s right. You’re doing great, Saeran. It was only a dream. You’re doing great.”_

_He sighed her name, his voice weak. When she thought he was ready, MC retracted herself and gave a kiss on his forehead, circling her arms around his body._

_"I’m sorry… MC.”_

_Her voice remained calm. “Shh… don’t be. You have nothing to apologize for.”_

_He buried his face in her chest as he started to sob. “They… they were trying to force me to drink the elixir… I could still taste the foul poison on my lips…”_

_“It was only a dream, Saeran.” She laced their fingers together, giving his hand a squeeze. “No one is going to force you to drink the elixir ever again.”_

_“That’s not all… he… Saeran… he’s coming back. He’s full of rage, and… He’s coming back… MC, what if I can’t stop him?”_

_“I’m here, Saeran,” she repeated her words like a spell, keeping her voice level and as soothing as she possibly could. “I’m not going anywhere. Even if he comes, I’ll be the one to protect you. Okay?”_

 

 

But as his body stops shivering and his breathing gradually returns to normal, Saeran finally notices the striking red hair, which clearly doesn’t belong to MC.

“ _Hyung_ …” he mutters his brother’s name, to which Saeyoung smiles. The older twin is now rocking Ha-neul gently back to sleep. “I’m sorry… for this.”

“Don’t be. I’m glad you don’t have to go through this alone.” Saeyoung sighs in relief. “Do you think you can go back to sleep? I can bring Ha-neul to my room if you’d like.”

Saeran hesitates as his eyes move to the sleeping baby in his brother’s arms. He doesn’t want to be apart from her, but he also doesn’t want to disturb her with his nightmares. Judging by the drenched and crumpled state of the bed sheets, he must’ve been moving a lot, and that could be dangerous for her, as well.

He forces a smile. “I’m counting on you, then, _Hyung_.”

* * *

 

As the temperature continues to drop, Saeran’s struggle continues. Just when he thought he’d grown somewhat stronger. Even Saeyoung has been telling him that his smiles are more genuine; he’s been able to actually enjoy his days as a father. So he thought he could finally hide his sadness, locking it tightly somewhere in the corner of his heart. Yet the lingering agony comes to haunt him every now and then, fitting to the dark greyish color painted over the cloudy sky. Like the lines of blackened trees around him, it is as if the hole in his chest turns dark and ashen, drying away like an old scar, despite the recurring ache.

And tonight happens to be one of those days. It isn’t until the time is finally his again, sitting by the fireplace, that the pain comes back home, as if it never left. He’s been sleeping inside the bedroom, until Ha-neul woke him up. As he gently rocks her back to sleep, whispering her favorite lullaby, his feet bring him to the fireplace.

Somehow, he could see himself and MC sitting on the supposedly empty spot, the crackling sound from the fire clear in his ears. Without realizing, he returns to this very day, a year ago.

 

 

_“Saeran…”_

_He’d meant to stare directly at her, but his wife’s gaze moved ahead, right at the fireplace that he couldn’t really see her expression. “Hmm?”_

_“Would you… sing me a lullaby,” He couldn’t help noticing her trembling voice, wondering if she might be in pain. “...like you did back then?”_

_Without saying anything else, Saeran started singing. He wouldn’t force her to tell him; he simply hoped this would help her calm down and sleep better, even ease whatever pain she might be hiding from him. “Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are?”_  

 

 

That cozy and silent winter night, much like tonight, with the exception of the unlit fireplace in front of him, as their breathings and heartbeats became one, Saeran sang the most precious person – _people_ – in his life to sleep. It made him fall deeper in love with MC, just when he thought no one could possibly love as much as he did the woman inside his arms. The memory also brings him back to their days in Mint Eye, when he first offered to sing her a lullaby.

In an effort to honor the memory, he starts singing again, still with the same hushed voice, as he makes his way back into the room, holding Ha-neul close to him. With one hand, he wipes the tears coming out of his eyes, focusing instead on his quiet and soothing serenade.

As he closes the door, he notices her small lips curving a contagious smile, to which he kisses her forehead in response.

* * *

 

“Should I take Ha-neul?” Saeyoung asks him.

“No, I’m fine, _Hyung_.” Saeran replies, smiling. “Thank you.”

“Take your time.” Saeyoung pats Saeran’s back, flashing a smile at him. “I’ll just be around here if you need me.”

When his brother leaves, Saeran lets out the breath he didn’t realize he’s been holding. Catching Ha-neul’s curious eyes, he pokes at her nose, before turning to face the object standing before them. Carefully, he kneels, his free hand reaching out to touch the cold, rough stone, caressing the engraved letters of MC’s name.

“MC… my love, my angel,” he starts. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come… I’ve brought Ha-neul with me, love. Look how big she’s gotten!” He then helps Ha-neul place the small bouquet of flowers in front of the tombstone, before carrying her again. “Ha-neul, dear… this is where Mommy rests.”

Saeran watches as the little girl starts observing the alien object in front of her, before looking back to her father, and once again at the stone. To his surprise, her small finger points at it.

“Mama!” she exclaims, beaming with her one-tooth smile.

Blinking away the tears, Saeran gives his daughter a quick peck on the cheek, before turning to face MC’s tombstone again, which somehow seems to have a faint glow of its own.

_My love… my angel… I can never thank you enough for dragging me out of darkness, for becoming my light and my guiding path. Thank you… for teaching me how to love, and loving me for who I am. Without you, my love, I won’t be standing here today – a free man of my own will._

_MC… the day you left, I honestly thought I’d lost everything. The colors, music, and every piece of light… it was as you took them all with you. I’d failed to realize… that I was never alone._ His gaze turns to his beautiful daughter, who resembles her mother more with each passing day. _You’ve left a part of you – a part of us – Ha-neul, with me. Though, to be honest, I’m not even sure if I could be the best father she deserves. Without you, my love, even waking up becomes a challenge._

_But don’t worry. Ha-neul is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, after you. I love her with all my heart, and I will make sure she grows up with as much love as you gave me, even more. Please watch over us from now on. I promise… I’ll be strong, because now, I realized I have something –_ someone – _to protect._

He looks up at the cloudless blue sky. _MC… there was never a day that I didn’t miss you or think about you._ The gentle spring breeze feels cool, yet strangely warm as it caresses him, as if giving him the small push he needs to move forward. _I love you with all my heart, now and forever._

Saeran stays there for a little longer, watching as the sky continues to change to a brighter color. The cold hasn’t entirely dissipated, and the blooming of flowers is still sort of a promise, their little buds peeking here and there. Standing there, his chest feels tight, as yet another memory comes peeking into his consciousness. He can hear MC clearly, as if she’s right by his side, repeating the lines so he won’t forget.

_Let’s name her Ha-neul, so that despite the rainfalls and dull colors of the seasons – despite all the hardships that she faces – she will get up again and again, just as the sky will regain its bright blue color when spring comes._

A tear falls from Saeran’s emerald eyes as he turns his back, only to find Saeyoung, Jumin, Zen, Yoosung, Jaehee, and V gathered behind him, smiles on their faces. Behind him, the bouquet of flowers – lily of the valley, baby’s breath, daisy, and primrose – dances slowly with the wind, looking over him as he walks away.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :) Reviews are very much welcome!  
> If you like my works, please consider supporting me through Ko-fi https://ko-fi.com/yotsubanoclover


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